With a .45 against my head, all I could do was laugh.
Laugh because I didnt have the guts to pull the trigger.
Id thought about this moment constantly, for over a year, planned it out so carefully, meticulously
Id written the note, my final words and confessions, put all my stuff away neatly, even kissed my mom goodbye, which she had been surprised by.
Now that I was here, sitting in the very spot where Id died spiritually a year ago, I couldnt do it.
Damnit, Sam! Just pull the fucking trigger! I growled at myself. My finger shook, my whole hand shook, but nothing happened. Why couldnt I go through with this? It was all Id wanted, all Id dreamed of, wished for, needed for a year.
I felt a tear slide down my cheek and squeezed my eyes shut. Id promised myself Id never cry again, not after what happened. But I was crying now.
My hand shook more, my finger tightening on the trigger.
I can do it, I can do this, I want this, I need this.
I cant do it, I whispered out loud, voice breaking.
The metal barrel of the gun pressed harder into my forehead as I gritted my teeth, fighting myself. My chest felt so hollow, cold and gaping; my heart was long gone, rotting in a grave along side a young mans body. I wanted to follow it there, but something was holding me back.
Shit! I dropped my arm, moving the gun away; it was heavy, a dead, icy weight in my hand. I turned my face up to the bleak gray sky, my hood falling back and my breath steaming up. Cold, pin-needle mist kissed my cheeks and I closed my eyelids against their sting. My muscles were tight, clenched from the cold as well as all the dead emotions that kept my stomach in a constant acidic knot.
Please, God, I whispered. I just want to be with him. I just want it to be how it should be. Pain lanced through me, fresh and raw, an old wound ripped open new.
Sunlight shining through the window, showing dust motes floating in the air, shining on his red hair and making it sparkle like spun gold. The freckles sprinkled across his nose and cheekbones gave him a truly boyish charm, even though he was devilishly handsome.
A hand waving in front of my face, screwing up my view. Sam. His deep voice, slightly exasperated and colored by laughter, sending thrills through me. Hey, Sam, pay attention. Im trying to help you graduate here!
I giggle and grin and lean forward to kiss him on the nose. Your hair is distracting me. I meet his eyes, and realize those are definitely a bigger distraction. Bright, sparkling green, a shade lighter than grass and flecked with yellow. Mesmerizing.
He exaggerates his sigh and rolls his eyes. Fine, if you want to stay in high school and, oh, not marry me. I gasp and exaggerate my alarm, but only because he knows thats exactly what I want to do, more than anything. He smiles and raises a pale red-brown eyebrow.
I smile and laugh. Okay, okay, Ill try harder. But first, give me a kiss.
He heaves another exaggerated sigh and sits up on my bed. If I have to.
You do, I smile. He grins and leans into me, softly pressing his warm lips to mine.
It feels like heaven. It feels perfect, surreal. With the evening sunlight sparkling on us, and our lips melding together in the most beautiful way, its easy to imagine the rest of my life with him, never feeling scared or lonely.
He pulls back slightly to smile at me and brush my hair back tenderly away from my face. I love you, Sam. I love you so much, he whispers, making my heart pound, making my stomach flip and melt. Ill love you till death do us part, and beyond. Forever and always. Nothing will ever keep me from you, Sam.
Cold washed through me, saturating me with a pain so deep I thought maybe I was dying anyways. Tears streamed down my face, despite my vow to never again cry. My body felt numb, a distant, useless part of me.
I cant do this without you! I sobbed to the sky, believing without a doubt, he was up there. I missed him, God, how I missed him. Without him, I wasnt whole, I wasnt alive.
I only had to make my body match my heart.
Gritting my teeth, I tightened my grip on the gun and swung it up to my temple, determined to pull the trigger.
I love you.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my finger, my hand finally steady. I took a deep breath, settling, and--my hand was empty.
My eyes flashed open. What the--
Bullets clicked and tinked on the gravel, and I followed the line of a pair of black boots, black jeans, black coat, all the way, way up, to--
My heart stopped, lodging in my throat. A strangled sound made it out before I could even process what I was seeing.
My eyes flashed over him, taking in his familiar red hair, his high cheekbones, straight nose, slightly thin lips, strong chin, brown freckles--black eyes?
I barely had time to process his eye color before my gaze riveted on his neck. The raised, jagged pale line.
My mind reeled.